Untitled Document

BANNED IN BOSTON!

Rev. IVAN STANG,

Papa JOE MAMA,

Doktor LEGUME

The Church of the Subgenius!

On April 30th, 1999!

How stupid can pinks get? Read on to find out. This is a TRUE story...

Are you one of the many millions who feel the media has gone into a feeding frenzy, nay- a HYSTERIA over the Littleton high school killings? How many talk shows, articles, and special reports can they do on the subject? ANSWER: As many as you watch! Like they say in the news biz, "IF IT BLEEDS, IT LEADS!"

These so called "Expert Journalist" are easily fooled. In all the post-murder hype, all it took was ONE PRANK PHONE CALL to a nation wide call-in radio show (TALK OF THE NATION on N.P.R.) and they go berserk! (So much for confirmation and accurate news reporting...) Within hours, saviors of the community were running around and trying to expose this new "hate cult". Even a Boston City Councilman and former mayor (Ken Reeves) was taken in! He put together a misleading assortment of Subgenius rants and delivered it to the police and various clubs that might sponsor our event. Meanwhile, concerned citizens from all over America were calling the club and demanding the show be cancelled. (So much for the claim that N.P.R. listeners are smarter than the Rush Limbaugh audience.) Middle East owner Joseph Satar (or is it spelled Satan?) quickly broke his word/ contract and cancelled the show. Thinking we were Nazis, the ACLU jumped in to defend us, and managed to find a Baptist Church willing to host our event (Ironic, huh?). But then anynomous phone threats were made by other upstanding citizens, claiming they would create some sort of violent inncident to protect the community from our hate group. The Baptist Church called the cops asking for protection, but the cops said they were too busy to help "Bob". So the Baptist Church cancelled just three hours before show time. When the Subgenius faithful arrived, the cops were no longer too busy to show up. They appeared in full force... complete with a paddy wagon! (This is not an exaggeration!)

And you thought we were kidding when we said the masses are asses.

In 1938, THE WAR OF THE WORLDS fooled 1.4 million radio listeners into believing America was under attack by Martians, and it took the combined talents of H.G Welles, Orson Wells, and the entire cast of the Mercury Theater Players to pull it off. Today, all it takes is a terrified phone call to a talk radio show. We've come a long way, baby.

Even though the radio host warned listeners that the Subgenius Church was more humorous than harmful, that didn't stop the cattle from stampeding! The hysteric parents and self proclaimed P.C. types worked overtime to cancel our show and sick the police on to "Bob". (After all, they worship "pipes" which could be made into pipe bombs!)

This is why we DESPISE normals. They're so disgustingly retarded!

Meanwhile, "trench coat mafia" hysteria has reached a fever pitch. The moron majority is calling for school uniforms, free speech restrictions, gun control, prayer in schools, closing down Marilyn Manson concerts, video game restrictions, internet censorshp and apparently- and end to the Subgenius Reign of Terror!

Keep it up guys, the more you try to shut us down, the more money we make. Publicity is priceless. Especially the panic driven variety. Tell your neighbors, write your newspaper, and shout from the roofs! "Bob" Dobbs is coming and he's DANGEROUS! We're predicting this recent SHOCKING REVELATION will continue as the ignorant alert the clueless. The Jerry Springer show could be next!

So eat your maggot infested heart out, Orson Wells. Martian Invaders just don't stack up against "Bob" Dobbs and his X-ist Shock Troops. Praise "Bob"!

*****

To hear how easy it is to fool millions, click the below address:

http://www.npr.org/ramfiles/totn/19990427.totn.ram

(The fun starts about 20 minutes into the show. Real Audio required)

Don't have real audio? To read the transcript of the conversation, just click the below address:

http://members.tripod.com/Papajoe666/joecall.html

Official Church Contract on "Joe from Tallahassee"

Although we enjoy prank calls more than other religions, BLASPHEMY is an entirely different matter. "Joe from Tallahassee" made several gross mischaracterizations of official church doctrine in his anonymous call to NPR. For this reason, he must be hunted down and freed from his mortal chains, so that he can explain himself to "Bob" in the hereafter ASAP. Any SubGenius that can locate "Joe" and eliminate him, will receive eternal salvation plus a CASH INCENTIVE! (We'll negotiate the price depending on how painful his death is.) We would also appreciate some sort of memento for our museum. Say, a head or a hand. (Any part would do, but a Blasphemer's tongue would be nice... just to round out the collection.)

Joe, if you're reading this, you can make it a lot easier on yourself by turning yourself in. We'll not only make your punishment it less painful and drawn out, we'll put in a good word for you with the judge. Think about it.

REMEMBER:

Treat 'em like a dumb sh*t and they'll accept you as an equal!