A SINNER CONFESSES HIS SACRILEGE

 

Dear Papa,

I'm losing my faith in Bob. I'm beginning to think he's just a photocopy face that sells memberships to a church that's only a joke. And I'm the butt of that joke. Help me.

Sincerely,

CENSORED

 

PAPA JOE'S CONFIDENTIAL RESPONSE

 

Dear CENSORED,

Your's is a common problem in the public, my son. For the Conspiracy is more than just an evil menace, it is a clever enemy that knows to conceal itself from public perception. Most people not only think the Church of the Subgenius is a joke, they also think the Con doesn't really exist. Such is the success of the Con in brainwashing the public from suspecting the truth.

All the little things that happen to you that just so happen to be bad: That flat tire, the late credit card fee, those bad oysters. Sure, it COULD be coincidence, but if it were really random chance, then shouldn't an equal amount of good things also happen?

Yet it isn't so, is it? Everything always seems to get worse, not better. We always seem to be getting bills, not refunds. We always seem to be getting older, not younger. We get hassles, not slack. There is a guiding force behind these malevolent events. It's the conspiracy, out to rob you of your faith in BOB!

I fear it has done a good job on you up till now. Fortunately for you, Bob is the kindly sort. He forgives anyone for a simple $30 love offering. But that's between you and he. When you realize how much better your life can be by simply trusting HIM with your wallet, you won't be making confessions... you'll be receiving them!

Praise Bob!

Papa Joe Mama