Subject: The Trial of Papa Joe Mama - Court Report

From: ttman@tiac.net (M.Levin)

Date: Tue, 21 September 1999 12:08 AM EDT

Message-id: <37e7041c.1147856@news.tiac.net>

See video version here. (probably removed by now).

In Re: The Irreverand Friday Jones and The Church of the SubGenius v. Papa Joe Mama, 12 Quijibo 10 (1999)

"It was a kangaroo court, but a very beautiful kangaroo court!" - (Cowboy Dave, as his client was hauled away.)

 

Perhaps the most prevalent event at XX-Day '99 was the Trial and

Punishment of Papa Joe Mama. While I do not pretend to know the full

story, some things have been taken as fact, and I will present these

briefly. I have also done my best to analyze and report on the Church

of the SubGenius' Kangaroo Court proceedings, as well as Papa Joe's

punishment.

 

At some point during the last week of April 30, 1999, an individual

identifying himself as "Joe from Tallahasee" called into the Talk of

the Nation news show on National Public Radio (NPR). The Colombine

High School massacre had just taken place, and the news media was hot

to talk about this new event. The topic of conversation for the program

centered on violence in today's public schools. Joe (the 1st caller) talked

about a possible link between the TrenchCoat Mafia and the Church of

the SubGenius (CotSG). He suggested, among other things, that Bob

Dobb's trademark pipe was symbolic of pipe-bombs, and that the CotSG's

"devivals" were in fact meeting places for young kids bent on violence

and destruction to meet and plot out their next attacks. I will not

elaborate on the content of his speech, but a complete transcript is

available at

http://www.radiohorrorhosts.com/joecall.html

 

In response to this call, concerned listeners in Cambridge,

Massachusetts, alerted Cambridge City Councilman Ken Reeves that a

Devival was scheduled for Friday, April 30, 1999. They expressed their

concern that there may be a connection between the TrenchCoat Mafia

and the CotSG, and asked Reeves to take action.

 

Reeves investigated the CotSG by visiting http://Subgenius.com, and

there learned of the CotSG's belief that the world was to end on July

5, 1999. Irreverend Friday Jones also alleges Reeves learned of Papa

Joe Mama's Holocaustal web site and visited it at:

http://members.tripod.com/Papajoe666/rant.html. In addition to the end

of the world predictions at the CotSG, Papa Joe's site is intended to

incite SubGeni to commit violent acts against Pinks, the Normals, and

the Conspiracy. For a more detailed listing of the events leading up

to the City of Cambridge pulling the plug, I suggest you visit

http://www.subgenius.com/bigifst/f?X0023_Modemacs_Report.htm. (Note:

Modemac mistakenly reports that Reeves was aware of the CotSG web-site

before Papa Joe's phone call. A source close to Reeves informed that

this is not true. Reeves was unaware of either site until after the

phone call.) Predictably, Reeves did not get the joke, and Papa Joe's

site was taken at face value. Reeves and the Middle East Night Club

(Middle East) agreed that the Middle East should not host the event.

 

Although the Devival was relocated at the last minute to the Old

Baptist Church in Cambridge, (special thanks to the ACLU) the Baptist

Church was also persuaded (presumably by Reeves) not to allow the

CotSG to hold its event there either. Fortunately, the Baptist Church

showed some back-bone, and allowed them to gather on their steps,

although they still would not allow the CotSG to hold the event

indoors. By this time, Ivan Stang, Father K'Taden Legume, Papa Joe

Mama, and Friday Jones appeared before the flock, and a Devival was

held, albeit outdoors, without a stage, pulpit, lights, or a sound

system. The police were called to look on, but did not interfere. (In

fact, the police were amused by the whole event, and used the spot

light from their squad car as stage lighting!) Special attention is

drawn to the fact that the CotSG did not collect a $10 per person

ticket price, and those that attended were given the show for free by

Stang, Legume, Papa Joe, and Friday Jones. However, Friday Jones did

accept donations, and the slack booth of CotSG products was opened up

out of the trunk of (I think) Jones' car.

 

Friday Jones has testified that she personally paid the airline fair

for Ivan Stang, Father Legume, and Papa Joe Mama, as well as taking

care of other arrangements, totaling approximately $1,000, not

including money paid in advance to the Middle East for hosting the

event.

 

The seating capacity of the Middle (upstairs) is 225 people, and the

church stood to profit $2,250 from the event alone, exclusive of

potential profits from sales of recordings, T-shirts, CDs, books,

buttons, etc. Prior Devivals at the Middle East have sold out, even

during inclement weather, and this Devival was not expected to be an

exception.

 

Based on the forgoing facts, Irreverend Friday Jones and the Church of

the SubGenius brought suit in a Church of the SubGenius Kangaroo Court

against Papa Joe Mama. The charge was interfering with CotSG business,

and acting in such a way so as to cost the Church money, or, in the

alternative, to prevent it from making money. The trial was held on

Friday, July 2, 1999, at the Brushwood Campground, in Sherman, New

York. The Business Manager of the Church of the SubGenius, a.k.a. the

Lord Jesus Christ, presided. Reverend Ivan Stang represented the

Church of the SubGenius and Irreverend Friday Jones. Papa Joe Mama

represented himself, while Cowboy Dave contributed to his defense.

Ivan Stang was also to have acted as defense counsel, but was quickly

discharged by Papa Joe.

 

In his opening statement for the prosecution, Stang argued Friday

Jones spent her own personal money to host the CotSG Devival at the

Middle East night club, but for her money, received only a bad joke.

Stang suggested that CotSG devivals are serious business, and are not

funny per se. He argued if Devivals are funny, then "Hitler was the

greatest comedian who ever lived." Additionally, if Devivals were

funny, then "the SubGeni would have destroyed the earth last year."

 

Papa Joe Mama retorted that Holocaustal humor is OK.

 

Stang then launched into his first display of evidence by playing a

recording of Papa Joe's phone call to NPR. In this phone call, Papa

Joe suggests the students responsible for the Colombine High School

shooting had a link in their computer to the Holocaustal web site, and

that the Holocaustal web site is still up and running, even after the

massacre. He notes the web site talks about "exterminating Normals and

killing the Pinks, and it's a big thing about Pipes and pipe bombs,

and trisexuals . . . . This is all part of that Church of the

SubGenius thing, which is a big deal about . . . superior mutants and

supporting deviant behavior. And now we see the ultimate fruition of

that . . . ."

 

Perhaps most incriminating about the phone call is the following

excerpt:

 

"[the Church of the SubGenius is] having some big - what they call a

devival, Friday, I think it is, at some restaurant, the Middle East or

what not, and they celebrate this type of stuff, to them it's funny!

And and, people just stand by and "Oh well we can't do anything about

that." Well, if we can shut down, you know, KKK people from wearing

hoods, why can't we stop people who are advocating the same type of

behavior, who is lynching and killing people, from plying their

craft?"

 

Stang also accuses Papa Joe Mama of denying being the voice on the

tape.

 

Papa Joe then moved the court to dismiss Stang as the defense

attorney. Judge Christ allowed the motion.

 

At this point, Papa Joe delivered his opening statement to the court.

He asked the jury, if the world ends on July 5, then shouldn't they be

harmed?

 

Cowboy Dave then moved the court to find Papa Joe Mama insane.

 

Papa Joe opposed Cowboy Dave's motion and asked the court to reject

both Cowboy Dave as his co-counsel, and to reject the insanity

defense. Judge Christ allowed the motion, and Papa Joe was allowed to

defend himself for the remainder of the trial.

 

Stang called his first witness, the Irreverend Friday Jones. Papa Joe

objected to Stang calling the witness on the grounds that "[the

prosecutor] is a dumbass."

 

Upon being sworn in, Jones moved the court to be allowed to read from

the Holocaustal home page. Cowboy Dave objected on behalf of the

defendant, arguing that Jones is "a craven hussy." The accuracy of

Cowboy Dave's statement not withstanding, the witness is not the one

on trial and her credibility is not at issue. However, mention is made

that Jones was not the author of the Holocaustal home page, and she

should not, therefore, have been allowed to testify as to the meaning

or intent of its contents on April 27, 1999.

 

Jones testified that the Holocaustal web site offers extra salvation

to those who wear a black trench coat to the Devival on April 30,

1999. Additionally, she testified this was inappropriate only 9 days

after the Colombine shooting.

 

Papa Joe then proceeded to cross-examine Ms. Jones. He began by asking

her how many people the Middle East night club can hold, and how much

money she purported to have lost as a result of the Boston Devival

being canceled. Jones indicated the Middle East can hold 225 people

and, at a rate of $10 per person for admission, she estimates she and

the CotSG lost $2,250. Papa Joe then asked Stang how much money could

have been made if his phone call elicited 50 new members to the Church

(at $30 per membership, the answer is $1,500). Stang objected to Papa

Joe's question, and countered by asking Judge Christ to testify (as

the CotSG Business Manger) how many calls came into the CotSG as a

result of Papa Joe's phone call. (A very interesting and unorthodox

move, considering that the rules of civil and criminal procedure do

not usually allow for a sitting judge to be called as a witness.)

Christ testified the Church received only 2 calls directly

attributable to the phone call.

 

Commentator's note: Judge Christ's testimony should be stricken from

the record without additional testimony regarding how many new

memberships came in between April 27 and July 2, 1999, regardless of

Papa Joe's phone call. The opportunity for new membership is

never-ending, and it is impossible to determine how many memberships

since April 27, 1999 have been or will be directly attributable to the

phone call, unless the CotSG starts asking. (Hell, I may even join

again!)

 

After additional testimony by Ms. Jones regarding the contents of the

Holocaustal home page, Papa Joe was allowed to call his first witness.

In a moving display of faith for the average SubGenius, Papa Joe

picked a witness from the jury. (Another interesting move - asking a

juror to sit as a witness.) After being sworn in, The Mad Scribbler

testified that, in his opinion, Pinks are OK until X-Day. However,

after intense questioning by Papa Joe, The Mad Scribbler finally

admitted that, in his opinion, "Pinks don't deserve to live 'til

X-Day."

 

In what had to be one of the defense's most moving points of the

trial, Papa Joe then implored the jury, "Don't Pinks deserve a warning

they'll be killed?"

 

Commentator's note: Although not well received at trial, the question

is philosophically sound. A person condemned to death has the right to

know of his impending doom so that he may make peace with his gods;

or, in this case, to have the opportunity to send in his $30 before

it's too late.

 

Ivan Stang then called his next witness, Father K'Taden Legume. Legume

testified that on April 28, 1999, two days before the Boston Devival,

he received a phone call from Papa Joe Mama. He knew it was Papa Joe

because when he answered the phone, the caller identified Legume as

"Ken," Legume's Normal name. Legume states that Papa Joe said he

wanted to "drum up support" for the Devival. He testified that, in his

own words, Papa Joe "wanted to light the fire and see what would

happen."

 

On cross examination, Legume testified that at the time Papa Joe made

his call to NPR, he was a Holocaustal, but was now an Ivangelical.

Papa Joe suggested that based on this evidence, if anything should

happen to the Ivangelicals, Legume would become the new head of both

the Ivangelicals and the CotSG. Papa Joe argued that Legume had an

ulterior motive for testifying on behalf of the prosecution, and his

testimony should, therefore, be disregarded. Further, Papa Joe accused

Legume of never paying his $30 to the CotSG, and, consequently, was

not yet saved in the eyes of "Bob." Legume responded by accusing Papa

Joe of the same thing.

 

Interestingly, Papa Joe neither admitted nor denied Legume's

allegation, and the question remains unanswered to this day. However,

with regards to Legume's membership, Judge Christ presented him with a

number of questions to prove his worthiness. Legume testified he

doesn't like sports because, "they"re too normal," and his favorite TV

show is "Leave it to Beaver." No further questions were asked of

Legume, and his membership in the CotSG was accepted as fact.

 

With the evidence having been completely presented, and all witnesses

having testified, Ivan Stang presented the closing argument for the

prosecution. He argued that Papa Joe should be found guilty for three

reasons. First, because he cost Friday Jones money. Second, because

there were Pinks and Normals that missed their opportunity to be saved

as a result of the cancellation of the Devival, and, likewise, the

CotSG missed the opportunity to save them (i.e. receive

donations/memberships from them). But the third and perhaps most

convincing argument why the jury should find Papa Joe guilty, "is

because he's a dumbass."

 

Papa Joe then delivered his closing argument to the jury.

Unfortunately, instead of sticking to the facts of the trial, Papa Joe

used the opportunity to rant incessantly about the Holocaustals. He

argued, "we don't have the option to kill [Pinks and Normals], we must

kill." He argued his duty as a Holocaustal was to warn them of their

impending doom, and that his phone call was merely his attempt to

reach as wide an audience as possible. The use of NPR as a media is

better than the use of newspapers, because it reaches a wider range of

listeners than newspapers, which are local in character. Finally, he

argued that the money that could have been made at the Devival is

irrelevant because, "money is worthless on X-Day."

 

After considering the facts, testimony, evidence, and arguments of all

parties, the jury considered its verdict. After what seemed like the

longest 1 to 2 seconds ever, a unanimous verdict was reached: guilty

on all charges.

 

Upon hearing the verdict, Papa Joe moved the Court to consider one

additional piece of evidence, and for an independent ruling by Judge

Christ, not withstanding the verdict of the jury. Judge Christ allowed

the motion, and Papa Joe presented a recording by the President of the

United States, William Jefferson Clinton. In this recording, President

Clinton makes it clear that Papa Joe Mama is not, nor has he ever

been, a member of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF).

However, President Clinton states that if Papa Joe is found guilty, he

will grant an honorary membership upon him, thereby making him an ATF

agent. Finally, "should anything happen to Agent Mama," President

Clinton will then punish the CotSG retroactively for convicting and

executing one of his agents.

 

Judge Christ wasted no time in his decision. First, he pointed out

that "Bill Clinton holds no jurisdiction over a SubGenius court." As

such, he can not make threats against a SubGenius judge. Then, in his

boldest statement throughout the trial, and in an outright

chastisement of Papa Joe, Judge Christ stated he was offended that

Papa Joe Mama placed the authority of Bill Clinton before the

authority of himself, the Lord Jesus Christ. He condemned Papa Joe to

wear an electric collar until his sentencing on July 4, 1999, control

over which was given to Friday Jones.

 

Sentencing in the trial of Papa Joe Mama occurred on the night of

Sunday, July 4, 1999. The entire SubGenius court and jury was present,

including a great number of spectators. A bonfire was lit, and the

condemned was brought before his accusers. He was blindfolded, and

restrained at the wrists. Friday Jones, in her full Ivangelical battle

array, proceeded to cover Papa Joe's head in shaving cream. Utilizing

a barber's 6 inch shaving blade, she removed several large chunks of

hair from Papa Joe's head.

 

Judge Christ appeared shortly thereafter (on his motorcycle), and read

the sentence: $5 dollar fine and time served.

 

The crowd was dumbstruck. So was Friday Jones. So was Papa Joe.

 

His head half shaved (in various portions), Papa Joe Mama was

released, and left Brushwood in evident disgrace and embarrassment. He

was not present at 7:00 a.m. on July 5, 1999... although he may have just

overslept.

 

Commentator's note:

 

On July 4, 1998, the world witnessed The Battle of Armageddon. Waged

at the Brushwood Campground in the Village of Sherman, New York, the

Ivangelicals and the Holocaustals fought to the death over who would

control the world during the end times. They fought until almost every

last one was dead. But, in their infinite wisdom, both the

Ivangelicals and the Holocaustals realized that there would be no

clear victor. Either way, both camps were so seriously depleted of

their ranks, that there would be no one left to rule the world anyway.

So, a truce was declared, and it was decreed that the Ivangelicals and

Holocaustals would live in peace and rule jointly throughout the end

times.

 

Today, both camps still have vastly different views about how the

SubGeni race should conduct itself until the Xists arrive. The

Ivangelicals believe in sitting back, relaxing, and continuing to make

as much money as possible, while subtly remaining a thorn in the side

of the Conspiracy. The Holocaustals, on the other hand, believe in

putting the fear of "Bob" into the Conspiracy. They are not afraid to

waive the Stark Fist of Removal in the air, and will point it at anyone

who stands in their way.

 

By pulling the prank he played, Papa Joe demonstrated once again the

differences in approaches the two camps take towards the end times,

and the problems they continue to have in reconciling themselves. The

Ivangelicals are content to conduct themselves in a business like

fashion, and to erode the Conspiracy from the inside out. Meanwhile,

the Holocaustals make as much noise as they can in promoting the CotSG

devivals, even going to such extremes as getting themselves heard on

NPR (for free).

 

Papa Joe Mama pulled a stupid prank that cost the CotSG its Devival on

Friday, April 30, 1999. This has been taken as fact, and he has been

convicted of the crime of costing Friday Jones and the CotSG money.

But before we condemn him too harshly, consider the following points:

 

Friday Jones' and the CotSG's accusation that Papa Joe's phone call

cost them money is premature and speculative at best, because there

has been no determination made as to how many new memberships since

4/27/99 are - or will be - directly attributable to the Papa Joe's

phone call.

 

Friday Jones provided no accounting of how much money she received in

donations at the foot of the Old Baptist Church on Friday, April 30,

1999, or at any time thereafter as a result of the cancellation of the

Boston Devival.

 

As of the writing of this report, Jones's action in the court of the

Normals against the Middle East night club is still pending, and she

may ultimately be awarded the $2,250 by them.

 

Despite the above, Papa Joe's actions should not be taken too lightly

either. As Friday Jones pointed out, Papa Joe's phone call was in

extremely poor taste so close to the massacre at Colombine High

School. Regardless of what Papa Joe and the Holocaustals would have us

believe, the CotSG advocates violence after the Xists arrive - not

before. Although there is nothing wrong in warning Pinks and Normals

of their impending doom, it should be remembered that the TrenchCoat

Mafia is not associated with the CotSG in any way, and there is no

evidence to suggest that they were influenced by the CotSG or the

Holocaustal web-sites. Papa Joe's "I told you so" attitude should be

taken at face value: a joke by someone with too much time on his hands

who takes the CotSG too seriously (a crime in and of itself under

SubGenius theology and law). [Ed . Note: Similar to the author of

this article who spent far more time and effort writing about the

phone call than prankster spent making it.]

 

Papa Joe is not a martyr, and no one laughed at his joke (Ha!). No one knows

this better than Friday Jones and the rest of the Boston area SubGeni.

Even if Jones is ultimately awarded her money back by the Middle East,

she can still not recover the money spent on the airplane fair for

Stang, Legume, and Papa Joe. Meanwhile, the Boston Globe newspaper

printed an article exposing the whole affair on Friday, April 30,

1999. The rest of us had to bear the burden of ridicule and

embarrassment as we tried to half-heartedly explain to the Normals

around us that there is no connection between the TrenchCoat Mafia and

ourselves, despite Papa Joe's comments to the contrary. (Boo-hoo!)

 

I have also heard from a confidential source that Papa Joe staged much

of his own trial and punishment. Papa Joe allegedly planned a faux

punishment where he would be dragged behind a truck and then thrown

into the bonfire on Sunday night. He was then to arise at 7:00 a.m. on

July 5, 1999, as "Papa Joe Martyr." But the rest of the SubGenius

court cast got sick of Papa Joe taking the whole thing so seriously, and

refused to play along. (Note: As partial confirmation, there was some

mention on alt.slack about this after XX-Day by, I think, Friday

Jones. But, unfortunately, I did not save the message, and I have been

unable to find this reference anywhere else. Likewise, I promised my

source I wouldn't use their name.)

 

With regards to any comments made by Papa Joe in his phone call, and

no matter how much he may claim to have acted on behalf of the CotSG,

there is still one problem: For those of you who are card carrying

members of the CotSG, read the disclaimer on the back of your

membership card. It reads, "[t]he Church is not responsible for his

actions." Proving, once and for all, that Papa Joe acted alone, and in

no one's interest but his own.

 

Finally, in closing, let me repeat the motto of the Church of the

SubGenius, which is, "Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!"

 

 

The Honorable "Bus Stop Pest"

busstoppest@yahoo.com

 

See also:

The Holocaustal Homepage

The Ivangelical Homepage

I Was A Cultist for the A.T.F download page.